Find a marital counsellor

1. How can we find a counsellor? Anything besides the yellow pages? We do NOT want to ask friends for referrals.

Professional Colleges usually have a list of people taking referrals. Call
them up and ask for a counsellor in your area. Marital counsellors come in
a wide variety of shapes and sizes: social workers, religious counsellors,
psychologists, and "psychotherapists." Be wary of "Psychotherapists" who
have no other professional distinction. Most professional colleges have
listings in the phone book, as they also receive complaints from the
public. Forget about newspaper ads (if allowed in your area).

2. What should we ask the counsellor when interviewing in order to
determine their qualifications and if they are the right people to help
us solve our problems?

Qualifications should include a combination of professional training,
further professional development and experience. Experience: more than 10
years in marital counselling is a good idea, marital is difficult work and
it takes this long to really get it right. A high portion of practice time
in marital counselling, 30% would be good. At least a Master's Degree,
MSW (social work), MA (counselling psychology), MDiv (religious) and a
professional license or certification.

If you are at a public agency or NPO, is there a limit on the number of
sessions you can have. Don't let this rattle you, there are many
techniques of marital counselling that can be very effective in five to ten
sessions. But, I would pick the larger number of sessions anytime, because
the opportunity for follow-up sessions is important to ensure that your
gains are solid over time.

New Zealand advice: Be wary of someone only representing themselves as members of NZAC or NZAP, neither of these organizations are professional organisations in the expected sense of the word. It is possible to join either of them with only one year's post high school training, hence membership does not imply expertise or anything beyond basic literacy. You can reasonably expect that all members of the latter and many members of the former have been through some form of counselling themselves -- if that holds weight for you. Personally, I'm suspect of the whole "wounded healer" ideology, it's no substitute for ability and rigorous training.

Also be aware of people representing themselves as single theory or orientation therapists (who may or may not be NZAC or NZAP certified) These individuals are not necessarily trained, never mind educated, they will usually say they are psychoanalytic, psycho-dramatists, or other wondrous sounding words like Gestalt Therapists. These "Qualifications" usually come for the individual paying, sometimes rather large sums of money to private for-profit bodies, and in return have the title bestowed on them.

Even in situations where the training was good, you are left with a therapist who will approach all problems from the same way. You, their client, had better fit their theory. There is no particular orientation in therapy that has demonstrated any greater success in marital and relationship issues over another, hence, you are logically better to have a therapist who can draw on more ways of looking at and approaching your issues than a one trick pony.

The same is true for physicians offering counselling. Some physicians may be good counsellors, most, in my experience most make much better chemists and physicians.

That being said, there are many people around New Zealand who have counselled for twenty years or more. If they say that have and there is suitable reason to believe the statement is true, you may reasonably trust that they can do the job. The bottom line is counselling is not rocket science and if they have survived that long doing the job, they should at least be okay at it. New Zealand 2004

3. What is the hourly rate we can expect to pay?

Can't answer, we are in different fee worlds (I was in Toronto the question came from Chicago).

4. Anything other advice someone can give, I would appreciate.

Ask for a free half hour consultation to see if you like the person.
Compare two or three. Yes, you will spend an extra $100 (typical in
Toronto), but it may be only 10% of your total investment in counselling
and lets consider how important the matter is to you both.

Some of the best clients I have had have interviewed two or three
counsellors then returned. Some have told me they were doing this and
others have not. Personally I prefer that they tell me what they are up to
(at least before the end of the consultation) as I have a bit of feedback
for shoppers like:

1. How many sessions it should take given my impression from the interview.
My advise, leave anyone who can not give you an answer or the old "Well,
one never really knows, you may both need long term therapy." This answer
just doesn't cut it any longer. Don't (without compelling feedback) take
any suggestion of needing "long term therapy" as a diagnosis of your
problem or personality; it is reflective of the type of therapy, not you!
This will become clear if you interview two or more counsellors.

2. My impression on my ability to really help them. Now, usually this is
good, but if I have some reaction to a couple or individual, I'll usually
suggest they look for a counsellor with a specific characteristic and wish
them well. Ask about the counsellor’s impression at the end of the
interview, if s/he can not step out of the role and give you honest
feedback about themselves and you two, consider that all you will get is
superficial counselling.

3. My ideas about marriage, partnerships and healing. I am quite candid
about this as it allows the couple to compare their values to mine. A good
match in this area, I think, helps the work. Ask about this if it is not
offered.

4: Other stuff
Ask also about an early prognosis.
Is there some type of homework? (There should be).
Is there a book to supplement the counselling? (My most successful clients
have read portions of supplementary books to each other).
Was the interview balanced? (Did you both talk about the same amount or
did you both feel that the counsellor heard each point of view).
Were you respected in your beliefs about the nature of the problems?
And since you are the "customer" you might want to select a counsellor who
is married, has been so for at least as long as you, is mid thirties or more, is of
an agreeable gender if either of you have a preference, if divorced, has
been so for more than five years, and most importantly, you both like.

Date: 2 Dec 1997 15:10:30 GMT