Start 15 minutes before Det. Sipowitz and Det. Simone start their 10pm shift of murder investigations, get jammed up with the Rat Squad and bust their humps trying to get their love lives in order. The season opener, I thought, required Nature's most perfect food to go along for the ride. And why not? It's not like they don't gots popcorn in Brooklyn. I seen it myself in 'da gutter. So let’s get popping -- until you feel the burn!
Place a deep sauce pan on a large burner with a small amount of low cholesterol oil just covering the bottom. Turn on the burner to heat the oil before you add the popcorn. This piece is very important: turn and walk away.
Leave the kitchen entirely to go talk to your S.O. who is reading in another room. Chat with her about the routine investigations to be carried out this evening in the Lower East Side. Then, get hung up on a difference of opinion about the metaphors in Carol Shield's novels. Then debate the point of the chapter on the central character's masculine anatomy. Lose the debate atrociously for not having read the book. With tail between legs, it is now time to make the popcorn.
"Oh, Detective Sipowitz, isn't there an area in the Lower East Side called Hell's Kitchen? There is? Would it bear any resemblance to my kitchen? For instance, deep vermilion flames and black oily smoke. Sort of like the pictures from the Gulf War oil fields, but with pine cupboards. Could this be Hell's Kitchen?"
Instinctively he reaches for his snub nosed .38, points a greasy finger at me and yells, "You better not be talk'en to me buddy, you gots a three alarmer there. 'Use needs a hose not a cop. Wadda, I look like, Smokey the Freak'in Bear?" The flames, tumescent orange evil, reflecting off his pate as he turns and heads back to the squad. Alone, I face the inferno.
The next part of these popcorn instructions may need a little refinement. I am open to suggestions. Remove the flaming soup pan from the burner and move towards the kitchen sink. Deftly, while your right hand bakes near the fire, try to pour the flaming broth down the drain. Casually remark a few times, to anyone who might hear you, that you recognize the error in this procedure. Consider why you installed the paper-towel holder above the sink. Complete you original task of frying the drain pipes.
Now, with some trepidation, but motivated by a sense of purpose grasp the burning paper towel roll with the previously baked hand. Lower it quickly into the sink and turn on the tap. Mention again that -- that was a mistake. Marvel at the darkness. The house, a woody hobbit hole, now invisible in black smoke, much like a coal mine. Open the windows and turn on all the fans. Contribute to global warming in your own small way. Examine how much hair has been removed from you hand and forearm. Curiously wonder, why it hurts when there are not signs of singed skin, no bubbling flesh, no outward signs of fighting the dragon. "Wadda, ya think Detective?"
Place another albeit smaller pan on the burner and again coat the bottom with more of the same oil. Allow to heat for two minutes and pour in popcorn, cover with lid. Shake pan, for reasons unknown to me, until all the corn has popped. Pour into a traditional large popcorn bowl. Add melted edible oil product and this night, since you are feeling lucky, a little extra salt. What's it gonna do to ya?
Then I noticed that Det. Sipowitz didn't even mention the fire. He didn't even ask after me, and after I reached out to him and all. Maybe he's all jammed up with this case. Maybe he hates to be reminded that he ain't Smokey the freak'in bear. Nature's most perfect food.
Tips on making Popcorn.
Hobbit Hall, Toronto. 1998.
Hobbit Hall 1998
